


familiarty

by astraversa



Series: renewal [2]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Post-Canon, Reconciliation, Sibling Bonding, Slice of Life, Suicide Attempt, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-09 02:39:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12267222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astraversa/pseuds/astraversa
Summary: It can't be ignored that over the past few years, Saeran and Saeyoung might as well have lived in very different worlds - aliens separated by miles of space and stars rather than long lost brothers only kept apart by the span of a few mountains. Some pretty words and a hug won't remedy that, especially not in aftermath of Saeran's suicide attempt. But it's a start. Slowly, they can let themselves become familiar with each other again.





	familiarty

Life is suffering. 

For anyone else it’s a simple turn of phrase. An exaggeration. Nevertheless, it is an inescapable reality for Saeran. 

Of course, once he had thought it was possible to change things. Paradise within reach if he just worked hard enough… but he had been a fool, lured by a false idol. He wasn’t going to fall for that hoax again, and changing his mind now would be like rewriting the laws of physics. 

It only follows that it's far better to call it quits, rather than prolong such a miserable existence.

His brother won’t let him though. It’s just like Saeyoung to rail against the impossible, laughing in the face of insurmountable odds. Unlike Saeran, he had somehow managed to keep faith that life was worth living - even as he finds his own twin lying on the floor, wrists slit wide open.

There's some vindication to be found in how distress strips away all of Sayoung's masks, no doubt feeling Saeran's pain as much as Saeran does himself. It’s obvious in the way he struggles to ensure Saeran’s arm bands are tight enough to soak up all the blood, frantic and far beyond the verge of despair. 

It would be far more satisfying if his brother could just let go of his conviction. Why can’t he just give in and leave Saeran be? Doesn’t he realize that they’re only going to keep harming each other at this point?

Frustration building, Saeran’s hands find Saeyoung’s throat. If that was how it was going to be, obviously he'll have to end it all another way… 

There's just one problem: He can’t do it. Not even the hate he’s spent so long nursing is of any use, replaced instead by feeble desperation. It’s too cruel. He’s unable to kill the very man that caused him so much grief. Why? Why why why why why?

Pain strikes Saeran’s temples like lightning, making his emotions all the more stormy. The blood rushing through his head sounds like thunder and he can barely make out what Saeyoung is saying. Not that it matters - the redhead is probably just trying to spin the circumstances into his favour. He won’t believe it. Can’t believe it. _Refuses_ to believe it.

Another voice whispers to him though, one that doesn’t belong to Saeyoung at all. Like a single ray of sunshine, it speaks of kindness and longing when all Saeran feels is tired and numb. No matter how hard tries to cover it up, it finds a way through. The fury he has used as a shield begins to ebb, growing weaker and weaker by the second. 

Unconsciously, his grip around Saeyoung’s neck loosens, hands falling to his sides. 

The anger is not entirely gone, of course. It might never be. But the seeds of hope have been sown, so now it’s merely a part of him blending together with all the other thoughts and feelings. Distantly, he realizes he’s rambling - speaking aloud emotions that were too mixed up and in need of an outlet.

Saeyoung takes the opportunity to embrace him. It’s as if he’s afraid by letting Saeran go, he’d never have the chance to again. He murmurs sweet things into Saeran’s ear, directly to the depths of Saeran’s heart - to the “innocent” Saeran, that resembles the child he was long ago.

Saeran hasn’t been that person in a very long time. The past few years he and Saeyoung might as well have lived in very different worlds, aliens separated by miles of space and stars rather than estranged brothers kept apart by the span of a few mountains. 

Still… the hug is warm. It grounds him, an anchor for a ship that had been on course for a crash.

Who knows, maybe he will be able to love and trust again after all? 

It’s a bewitching idea. A spell that only Saeyoung could cast, enchanting enough for Saeran to finally give in - the long fight now over. It feels like some soft of weight has been lifted off his shoulders even as Saeyoung leans heavily against him, and he lets himself relax into his twin’s hold. 

Ultimately, Saeyoung’s persistence pays off. Even if Saeran isn’t completely convinced just yet, even though he’s trying not to get his hopes up, he can’t ignore the faint possibility that maybe, there’s a reason to keep on living after all.

Saeran breathes heavily. He might be crying. Saeyoung is _definitely_ crying. It’s ugly and hoarse, strangulation having done him no favours. It seems that Saeyoung can’t quite believe that he managed to get this far with Saeran either. 

The tears only stop when Saeyoung can bring himself to pull back from Saeran, gazing at his face like he can’t quite believe the sight of it. It makes Saeran feel awkward, so he shifts away. The movement causes Saeyoung to automatically grab at his wrist, an action he immediately regrets when Saeran can’t help but hiss in pain. 

“I’m sorry…” Saeyoung says, for what must be the hundredth time. Saeran’s stopped minding it. “Let’s bandage you up properly.” 

Saeran glances to the bruises forming around Saeyoung’s own throat pointedly, and all his brother does is wave it off like is doesn’t matter.

Being a priority… is not something Saeran’s used to. It makes him aware of how sad and lonely he was. _Is_. 

Saeyoung seems to know what he’s doing at least, ushering Saeran to sit on the toilet and dragging a first aid kit out from his bathroom cabinet. While the redhead prepares bandages and disinfectant, Saeran looks around the bathroom instead. 

All things considered, it’s quite clean. Saeran recalls that Saeyoung had an assistant that also acted as a maid, and he wonders what happened to that person. They visited him in hospital more frequently than anyone else, not put off by Saeran’s ire.

Maybe he’ll ask later. 

The removal of his arm bands bring Saeran back to the present. Exposed, the slashes on his wrists look red and ugly, though they’re slowly oozing blood rather than gushing everywhere. Saeyoung somehow manages to look even more upset at the sight, though it doesn’t stop him from bringing a warm cloth to the wounds, gently cleaning the blood away. 

It stings slightly. Saeran doesn't dislike it, the pain feeling worthwhile if it mean soft fingers lightly grasp his hand and all attention is on him. There’s something about someone taking care of his injuries that’s… intimate. It makes him giddy.

Just like that, the rage comes back with a rush. It’s still not as strong as it could be, and more directed at himself than at the world, but being tended to like this only reminds him how pitiful he is. How wanting such attention was a weakness to be taken advantage of. What a burden he was when they were children. Maybe he actually hasn’t changed at all - even his Savior was all too ready to abandon him if she was able to get Saeyoung instead.

Hah. Some Savior she was. 

Saeran’s laughing before he realizes it, voice cracking, unable to help himself. It’s just so absurd! No one could save him, not even himself... except the very brother who had abandoned him decided to come back and try. Saeyoung always had been the stronger one, able to do anything and everything so easily.

Meanwhile, Saeran had only deluded himself further and further, coming to embrace the darkness he couldn’t escape from. Perhaps he really had come to enjoy it. It would explain why he felt so happy just now.

“...ran! Saeran!”

Aah… his mind is so busy. Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t even hear Saeyoung calling for him. At some point his twin had finished bandaging Saeran’s wrists, and was now gripping at them tightly.

Snatching them back, Saeran can’t even bring himself to even look at Saeyoung. For a moment he wonders what would happen if he just tore the bandages off, ripped open his wounds and let the blood drip and stain the tiles crimson. What face would Saeyoung make? Would he understand then, how useless this all was?

The only thing that stops him is another intrusive thought; Isn’t this what Saeyoung had really missed, the sad little boy that only he could help? He must be feeling pretty good about himself. There’s no way Saeyoung actually wanted him back, if not for that.

“Stop.” He demands, voice harsh. Saeyoung stills, but is still close enough to be hovering. 

“Don’t treat me like a doll.” Saeran continues. He’s had enough of being other people’s plaything, a marionette used only for their pleasure. What about what he wanted?

“Whatever you want.” Saeyoung responds slowly, like he’s reading Saeran’s mind. 

It only bothers Saeran more. If he did what he wanted, Saeyoung would be dead already. Not here in the bathroom with him, trying to calm Saeran down and act like he was actually a _good_ boy. A boy that could be redeemed and forgiven for all he had done. All he had _tried_ to do.

Saeran’s lips quiver, then curl back into a scowl. He won’t cry. He won’t!

“Are you happy with yourself, knowing you’re always going to be better than me?” He asks Saeyoung, voice wavering in spite of himself, “It’s perverse how you go out of your way to take care of me even though I tried to kill you. If you really cared about what I want, you would’ve just let me die.”

Saeyoung’s breath hitches, and even as the words strike home Saeran hates himself for them. Why can’t he just let himself have this? What if Saeyoung gets sick of his behaviour and comes to hate him after all? Why can't he be stronger than those emotions? Why can't just just let them go? Does it even matter?

 _It matters._ Part of himself thinks, and Saeran is surprised that it’s still there and stronger than ever. _It matters, that’s why it needs to be said. It will just take more than a hug and some pretty words for things to get better._

He still can’t look at Saeyoung’s face though. It’s so hard, confronting all that pain. Acknowledging everything wrong he’s done, and what he will probably continue to do. He never wanted to be bad, yet look what he’s become: one big disappointment.

Mother was right about him. What an airhead he is.

At the corner of his vision, Saeyoung wavers for a moment before kneeling down to look up at Saeran’s face. There’s sadness in his expression, but no blame. 

“I’m not better than you.” 

“Don’t lie.”

Saeran has spent long enough obsessing over all of Saeyoung’s faults to know just how different they are. He had needed any excuse to hate the hacker, to convince himself that his twin was truly the devil. He was fooling himself. Even if Saeyoung had been up to no good…

“It’s obvious that I’m the ‘evil twin’.” Saeran mutters sardonically, as if sarcasm could disguise that he means it. Another defense mechanism.

Shaking his head, Saeyoung reaches for Saeran’s hand again, interlinking their fingers. It’s progress when Saeran doesn’t pull away. 

“You’re not. Neither of us is purely good or bad. There’s a lot of things I’m not proud of too, and I’ve made a lot of mistakes… when I found you again I just blamed V for everything, but that was wrong of me.” Saeyoung takes a shaky breath. 

It’s no wonder. Saeran had killed the man. He barely remembers it, everything about that moment shrouded in some sort of fog. But he remembers the gun shot.

Though it makes him feel sick, he doesn’t regret it. 

Saeyoung squeezes his hand. It’s obvious he doesn’t fault Saeran either. Not after everything V and Savior had put them through.

“I lashed out at people too, because… because I was afraid and angry. The person I trusted most had lied to me about my most precious person.” He gives Saeran a significant look, amber eyes knowing, “I decided it was best for me to be alone, because apparently even when I tried my best… I only ended up hurting what was important to me. But that ended up being just another way to protect myself and my ego too.”

It sounds familiar. Too familiar. Saeyoung gives him a weak grin.

The connection twins have sure is terrifying.

“In the end, I only started to get better thanks to the love and support of… of some pretty amazing people.”

Saeran scoffs. He can’t help it. There’s no doubt in his mind that the words are sincere, but it’s equally obvious that Saeyoung is primarily referring to the woman Saeran had tricked into joining the RFA. The fact that he’d go there at a moment like this is simply ludicrous.

“Was all that leading up to bragging about your girlfriend?”

“No! Yes… no, no, that’s not it.” Cheeks as red as his hair, Saeyoung seems to have brightened up at the small bit of banter. 

Nevertheless, he turns serious again just as quickly, “What I meant is... the only difference between us is that I had opportunities you didn’t. We’re the same... but unlike me, you weren’t given a chance. People hurt and took advantage of you… and I wasn’t there.”

At that admission, a moment hangs between the two, fragile like icicles about to shatter and fall. Saeran doesn’t know how to react. Before, he would’ve turned Saeyoung’s words against him like ammo. Now...

Saeran can admit that his mind is a mess, trashed from drugs and maltreatment. That’s why his first instinct is to surrender to his anger and hurt Saeyoung again, grasping for whatever ground he can stand on. Resisting the urge has brought on another headache - and he recognizes that that, too, is a side-effect of constant chemical abuse. It had been so easy to seal away the aspects of himself he didn’t want anything to do with when he was committed to his Savior’s fantasy, to the point that those parts of himself split into their own personalities. Currently, the division is much more blurred, even as said identities feud amongst each other. 

It’s a strange sensation. Like he’s in full possession of himself, when he hadn’t been cognizant something was lacking. Saeran recognizes that he never actually felt like “Saeran” for a long time.

Nonetheless, that doesn’t change the fact that he had done terrible things.

“So what?”

It isn’t meant as an attack. Just a prompt. After all, Saeyoung shouldn’t have to look after him. Saeran should’ve been able to take care of himself, especially at his age. He shouldn’t _depend_ Saeyoung the way he does.

Saeyoung swallows, clearly trying to think before he speaks in order to do as much damage control as possible - lest he somehow set off a bomb. He’s always felt responsible for the both of them, so it’s likely difficult for him to accept that there’s some things that only Saeran can be held accountable for. 

“So… I’m angry at myself for it. I tried to do what I thought was right and held back from you, even though we should have been equals. I shouldn’t have tried to fix everything by myself in the first place. It was arrogant of me.”

The confession is so shocking, a laugh bubbles up through Saeran’s throat again. As he does he can hear his Savior’s voice, whispering poison around Saeyoung’s words. No doubt a hallucination. It’s gotten easier to ignore now he’s decided to give Saeyoung a chance to prove her wrong.

“It sounds like you learned something good from V after all.”

“Yeah. Rika too.” Saeyoung admits easily. Another surprise. “Because of that, I know… actions speak louder than words. Beating myself up over it isn’t going to solve anything. It doesn’t change the fact that… I need you. Not just alive somewhere - but actually in my life. For that to happen, I’ll have to show you that we can make things right.”

Are his ears fooling him? Did Saeyoung really just say all that? Wide-eyed, Saeran can’t stop staring at his brother now. It feels too good to be true. He doesn’t deserve this. Is this really not another trick?

“You… need me?” He’s worthless. Nothing. “You were doing just fine without me until now…” 

Good health, good friends. The parties. The jokes. The cars. A girlfriend. Everything was going so well for Saeyoung. Sure, he was actually covering up some pretty nasty stuff… but even then, how could he need Saeran at all? If anything, Saeran was the one that needed him, a parasite on Saeyoung’s existence.

Saeyoung’s fingers tremble. For a moment, Saeran sees his twin shrinking into his over-sized hoodie like it’s a shell, seeming smaller and smaller as each moments passes. It’s astounding. Even as he sought to punish Saeyoung, he had never expected to see his brother like this… like _him_ , alone and afraid. Instinctively, he wants to reach out... but he refrains. There’s still too much unanswered. It makes his heart ache.

“You’re my other half…” Saeyoung croaks, “There’s no way I was fine. I thought if you had a good life somewhere, it would be bearable enough to keep pretending things were okay and just take what I could get… as long as you could be happy enough for the both of us.”

The words smart more than they help, and get right to the root of the problem:

“How could I have ever been happy… without you?” 

And vice versa. If what Saeyoung said was true, how could Saeyoung truly have been happy without him?

It’s painful to admit. Saeran feels far more exposed than he likes, stripped bare of all his defenses. Still, he doesn’t falter in his silent interrorgation - Saeyoung’s already asking so much from him, so the least he could do in return is answer for his sins.

“I was stupid.” Saeyoung acknowledges, voice coloured with guilt, “I should’ve known it would’ve done more harm than good. Please believe me… I didn’t want to leave you, I thought about you every day. The only reason I went down that road is because I thought it was my only option.”

 _Lies_ , his Savior’s voice echoes in his ears again, _He’ll leave you. He abandoned you. It’s only a matter of time._

_If he does_ , Saeran’s anger snaps back, seemingly converted, _I’ll break his neck and he knows it._

“I was so worried…” Saeran says aloud, the topic having hit a raw nerve, “You were just… gone, and I… I wasn’t strong enough… I can’t be strong enough...”

“Don’t say that!” Saeyoung interrupts with a cry, “You’re strong. You’re so, so strong… you’ve spent all this time surviving under odds no one else could… don’t give up now. I… I know you can do it.”

Saeran’s lips part. He can’t formulate words, mind trying to wrap around such a foreign concept. To be needed was one thing, but this...

 _He believes in me…_

Not even his Savior had believed in him. 

Saeyoung has pushed his glasses up into his mess of hair, rubbing at his eyes. 

“I mean it… even if you feel weak now… I’ll support you until you’re able to find the strength to forgive me and live for your own sake… I promise.”

Not too long ago, that promise would have sounded empty to Saeran. Now, though… now, there’s a weight to it that he is hard-pressed not to acknowledge.

“... I’m sorry.” Saeran says at last, as way of acknowledgement. _For everything._ His mind adds. He hadn’t planned on apologizing. He didn’t feel like he had anything to apologize for, until that moment. It’s freeing in a way - not quite at the level of forgiveness for either himself or Saeyoung, but… close. Getting there.

Saeyoung has frozen, his face an expression of concern and confusion. No doubt he’s trying to look inside his head, understand just what Saeran means by that.

Saeran shows some mercy, “... be patient with me, okay?”

“Okay.” Saeyoung agrees readily, relieved. He’s clearly trying to hold himself back and respect the last of Saeran’s boundaries, “Okay. After all, time heals all wounds, right?”

Saeran shrugs. He can’t quite believe Saeyoung yet. Though his moods seem to be settling, there’s still such a long way to go, and so many doubts and anxieties left to address. 

“Maybe.” Saeran responds, feeling cagey. “We’ll see.”

It’s a start. He just doesn’t have that fortitude yet. For now, though… he’ll allow himself to borrow his twin’s strength.

This time, he’s the one to take Saeyoung’s hand.

**Author's Note:**

> BIGS THANKS TO SASSA FOR BETAING, AS USUAL!! I spent forever editing this and really just had to let the chapter end and get it out there - but there is more to come! I have so many ideas! And yes, this fic is Happy Ending Guaranteed, though there will be angst along the way. 
> 
> P.S. I'm on twitter!! Find me @ mimesisemblance


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